Oxytocin, often called the “connection hormone,” plays a crucial role in our ability to form deep, trusting relationships. It helps us feel confident, secure, and connected to others. We naturally increase our oxytocin levels through quality face-to-face interactions, physical touch, gratitude, positive self-talk, and acts of service.

Yet, just as we can build connection through our actions and words, we can also unintentionally diminish it. One of the most subtle yet destructive ways we do this is through the language we use in everyday conversations, especially when we start our responses with “No,” “But,” or “However.”

Why These Words Are Connection Killers

According to one of the world’s leading executive coaches, Marshall Goldsmith, when we use “No,” “But,” or “However” to start a response, we unknowingly invalidate what the other person has just said. In that instant, they may feel dismissed, unheard, or even disrespected.

This is particularly damaging in high-stakes conversations with real estate clients, where trust and rapport are essential. Yet, it’s equally harmful in personal interactions, whether with colleagues, family members, or friends.

The Other Phrase to Avoid: "That’s Great, BUT…”

Consider this scenario:

A client tells you,

“We spent $15,000 installing a new pool.”

If your immediate response is,

“That’s great, but that doesn’t add value for buyers who don’t want a pool,”

That one word, “but”, completely negates their statement. It leaves them feeling unappreciated and unheard.

A much better response would be:

“That’s a fantastic investment, and for buyers looking for a pool, it will be a major selling point. For those who aren’t, what other features do you think they might love about your property?”

This small shift in language keeps the client engaged, makes them feel heard, and positions you as a solutions-focused professional rather than a dismissive expert.

The Impact on Personal Relationships

It’s not just in business where these words cause damage. Think about the conversations we have with our loved ones.

A child runs up excitedly and says:

“Look, Dad! I got 8 out of 10 on my test!”

If the response is:

“But what happened to the other two?”

The excitement disappears. What could have been a moment of celebration and encouragement now feels like a reminder of falling short. The child is left feeling deflated, believing that their best effort wasn’t good enough.

Similarly, in personal relationships, imagine your partner excitedly shares an idea for a holiday, and your immediate response is:

“No, that’s not really my thing,” or “But that will be too expensive.”

This instantly shuts down their enthusiasm. A better response would be:

“That sounds interesting! What about that destination excites you the most?”

This keeps the conversation open and strengthens the connection instead of diminishing it.

How to Reframe Conversations for Stronger Connections

Instead of defaulting to “No,” “But,” or “However,” practice using more constructive and affirming language. Here’s how:

1. Acknowledge First – Before countering an idea, take a moment to validate the other person’s perspective.

• Instead of: “No, that won’t work.”
• Say: “That’s an interesting approach. Tell me more about how you see it working.”

2. Use “Yes, and” Instead of “But” – This small shift keeps conversations open rather than shutting them down.

• Instead of: “I like your idea, but I think it needs work.”
• Say: “I like your idea, and we might be able to refine it even further.”

3. Ask Questions Instead of Rejecting Ideas – Encourage dialogue rather than debate.

• Instead of: “No, we’ve always done it this way.”
• Say: “That’s a new perspective. How do you think it would improve what we currently do?”

4. Recognize Emotional Needs – Remember that people often seek acknowledgment rather than immediate solutions.

• Instead of: “But that’s not the best result.”
• Say: “That’s a great effort! What did you learn from this experience?”

The Ripple Effect of Positive Communication

Words have power. The language we use shapes not only our relationships but also our emotional well-being. By avoiding words that diminish others and instead using language that builds trust, we naturally boost our own oxytocin levels.

This leads to:

• Reduced stress
• Stronger relationships
• Increased confidence
• A greater sense of connection

So, as you go about your conversations this week, pay attention to how often “No,” “But,” or “However” creep into your responses. Try replacing them with affirming language and open-ended questions. The results may surprise you.

The Challenge: Upgrade Your Language for One Week

For the next seven days, make a conscious effort to avoid starting sentences with “No,” “But,” or “However.”

• Notice the impact on your conversations, relationships, and overall mindset.
• Observe how others respond differently when they feel heard and valued.

Let’s choose words that lift people up rather than shut them down. Because the way we communicate determines the quality of our connections, and ultimately, our success.

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